Archive for the ‘Blockbuster’ Category

Angels & Demons

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

I believe it’s Einstein’s theory of relativity that states the faster you travel, the slower that time (relative to a fixed point) passes for you. I got a C in Einsteinian physics, which is why I’m not making hundreds of dollars as a theoretical physicist, but it follows from this theory that you could ostensibly travel into the “future” simply by flying around at a high enough rate of speed. This leads one to wonder: is it possible that Opie Taylor’s plot in 2009’s Angels & Demons was whipping along fast enough that Robert Langdon (Buffy Wilson) was able to pass into the future and figure out its Rubick’s Cubian braintwisters in advance? This still wouldn’t explain how he was able to return to his time frame of reference to save the world, but if I had to guess I’d say it had something to do with black holes, or wormholes. Or, at the very least, plotholes. (more…)

2012

Sunday, November 15th, 2009

Oh no! Touchdown Jesus!When the end of the world finally comes, you can be relatively certain that somewhere in the æther Roland Emmerich will be taking notes and comparing it to his œuvre. (And yes, I’m very proud I was able to use both “æ” and “œ” in one sentence, thank you for noticing.) His films are destruction pornography for anarchists: there’s a brief, plot-thin, badly-acted intro, a few uncomfortable moments of fumbling around, and the next thing you know the pool boy is naked and the Earth is being death-humped by aliens. And like porn, they are exciting, entertaining in the way you expect, and leave you feeling a little dirty afterward. (more…)

Red River

Saturday, October 3rd, 2009

The jokes just write themselves.I usually follow the same pattern after having watched a DVD that I liked. I’ll check out the DVD extras, I’ll finish up any notes I took while watching, and I’ll scan the web for any info I can find on the movie. In the case of Red River, however, I just sat and stared at the screen. Not since the 2008 Cubs’ season has drama been so expertly prepared, suspense so masterfully built, only to have it all come tumbling down in a disastrous final act. It was as if Ali and Foreman met to determine the heavyweight championship with a tickle fight. (more…)

Point Break

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009

That is some 90s-ass hair.When watching a movie like Point Break, it’s often the case that you may try to compare it to movies that are of the same genre but also “make sense.” This is a fool’s errand, and will only lead to madness. Instead, it is best to do what the screenwriter, actors, stunt coordinators, editor, and myriad other cast and crew obviously did: imbibe a great quantity of illicit narcotics and watch the pretty colors as they fly by. (more…)

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

"I like to build the ships in the bottles while the bottle is still full. It's more sporting that way."While there’s some rum, and a little bit of the lash, 2003’s Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World has more of syllables than of sodomy. Not that I’m complaining, mind you, but when you’re dealing with an historical drama where life in the Napoleonic War-era British Navy is integral to the storyline, the least you can do is to not make a liar out of Sir Winston Churchill. After all, it isn’t unusual for movies like this to feature scenes where the poopdeck is just lousy with seamen.

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